


if you knew what she was after

by allmywill



Category: Duran Duran, Fashion Model RPF
Genre: Best Friends, Bi-Curiosity, Cheating, Doomed Relationship, F/F, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, Lesbian Sex, Lingerie, Paris (City), Rare Pairings, Secret Relationship, Sexuality Crisis, Smoking, Strap-Ons, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:40:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25532239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmywill/pseuds/allmywill
Summary: “Have you ever kissed a girl before?” Yasmin asks.
Relationships: Renée Simonsen/John Taylor (Duran Duran), Simon Le Bon/Yasmin Le Bon, Yasmin Le Bon/Renée Simonsen
Comments: 22
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pink_and_Velvet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pink_and_Velvet/gifts).



> the idea of this pairing spawned early this morning during a conversation with Tash and i just couldn’t help myself. look what we’ve started lol ❤️

_1986_

“Have you ever kissed a girl before?” Yasmin asks.

The sudden question from the woman next to her startles Renée out of her thoughts. A cigarette burns on between her fingertips. She took one lonely drag and got lost in her head, letting the nicotine burn freely into the air.

She continues to watch the end glow, ash falling to the pavement by her leather boots. A black cashmere sweater keeps her warm, perhaps too warm.

She knows it’s Yasmin making her feel this way. It’s just not easy to admit to herself.

“I haven’t,” Renée manages, still looking at the ground. “Have... have you?”

Yasmin nods and smirks. “Several. All while I was drunk at parties with my friends. Don’t really recall much of it though.”

“Do you wish you did?”

“Remember it, you mean?”

Renée finally gathers enough courage to look at her. She’s stunning. _Captivating_. “Yes.”

Yasmin’s eyes flick away to her own cigarette. She takes a drag to punctuate the conversation, or to perhaps gather her courage.

“I do,” she replies as she exhales, moving a lock of hair away from her face.

Renée’s eyes watch her long fingers. It occurs to her that this conversation might not only be simple curiosity. Maybe there’s something much more behind it.

She wants to know that something.

Renée doesn’t know what to say. Luckily, Yasmin fills the silence.

“I love Simon, I really do. There’s just something different about girls that I like. I’m drawn to them.”

 _Are you drawn to me? Is that why you’ve spent the day with me and not your husband?_ Renée wants to ask, but the words don’t come easy. She opens her mouth, lips parting to make space for words, and nothing comes out.

“I spend my time around so many gorgeous women, it’s no wonder I feel this way. You know?” Yasmin puts out her cigarette with her own boot.

Renée fears she’ll go back inside and she’ll miss her chance. The chance to find out what she’s been missing is taunting her; her curiosity is much more than just that.

“I feel that, too.” It’s now or never, Renée assumes. It won’t be long before John comes looking for her. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like.”

Yasmin smirks again. “Yeah?”

Renée nods, lips pressed in a line. “Never had the guts, I suppose.”

“I can help you, if you’d like.” Yasmin starts to lean in, so much that she can smell her perfume.

“Okay,” she replies softly, tossing the cigarette to the ground and putting it out. “Go for it.”

Yasmin cups her cheek with a smooth hand and draws her in. Renée’s eyes slip shut, their lips meeting chastely.

She surprises herself and deepens the kiss, moving her lips against Yasmin’s and tilting her head. To Renée’s relief, she happily reciprocates. It’s like she’s in another world, and even when they pull away, the spell isn’t broken.

“Was that good?” Yasmin asks, a little breathless. She’s smiling wide, her beautiful face like a beacon of light.

“Yeah,” Renée replies, feeling a sensation she has never felt before now. “ _Very_ good.”


	2. Chapter 2

Renée stands in the doorway of her and John’s bathroom, watching Yasmin brush her teeth. Maybe it’s not normal to stare so much, but since that kiss a few days ago, she can’t get it off her mind.

It turned her whole world upside down in mere seconds, made her question everything she thought she knew about herself. About Yasmin, too.

Yasmin is staying the night while John is away. Renée knows he’s probably out partying like mad, substances coursing through his veins. She’s hoping and praying someone will be there to make sure he gets home safe, since she can’t.

The worry in her mind is prominent; she tries her best not to let it bother her.

It does, though. Of course it does.

“Um, Yas?”

She’s rinsing her mouth and turning the water off, attention now on Renée’s form in the doorway. Warm eyes greet her own. It’s getting late. Or early, depending on who you ask.

“What’s the matter?” she inquires, her voice gentle as she dries her hands. She doesn’t move from where she stands, and Renée finds herself longing for her touch.

 _I want more from you. I want more but I don’t know how much,_ Renée thinks to herself as their eyes search each other’s bare faces. _I think I want something from you that you shouldn’t be giving me._

A subtle smile appears on Yasmin’s face. Perhaps she knows what this is about, sensing the change in feeling between them.

“Something is changing within me,” Renée admits. “The way I see you, the way I see other women. I don’t feel like I did.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Renée’s heart throbs, drumming against her rib cage. She can’t help but notice how Yasmin is looking at her, her eyes gleaming with something new.

“Since you kissed me... I don’t look at you the same way.”

Yasmin nods, still smiling. “Oh, that’s what this is about.”

Renée feels her face growing hotter, burning up as the moon is pulled across the sky. In turn, Yasmin puts her hand on her shoulder and guides her out of the bathroom, turning off the light on her way out.

The feeling of her fingertips upon her skin is something she wouldn’t mind experiencing elsewhere. The thought overtakes her mind and tension tightens her muscles; nervousness taking hold of her.

Yasmin makes her sit on the edge of her bed. Her and John’s bed, she is reminded, but somehow, he keeps slipping her mind completely. All she is focused on is the woman before her, alone and transfixed by all that she is.

She doesn’t join her. Instead, she kneels down in front of her, warm lamplight falling upon her beautiful face. Renée is speechless, struck even more when Yasmin takes her hand. She feels her wedding ring as she does so.

“It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling,” Yasmin tells her. “I feel it, too.”

“But you’re married to Simon and I’m with John. What can we do?”

Yasmin clutches her hand tighter. “We can do whatever we’d like tonight.”

Renée looks down from her face to her sharp collarbones, then further down to her chest. She’s dressed for bed; a camisole that leaves little to the imagination adorning her thin frame.

The mood has switched to something sultry, Yasmin’s gaze wandering, too. Renée feels her eyes on her lips, pulling her closer without much thought.

“Why do I feel this way?” Renée’s hands tremble, her breath hitching. “What’s happening?”

“It’s okay, Renée. It’s natural to question these things.”

“Are you sure?”

Yasmin nods, reassuring her. “Yes, don’t worry so much. Just let it happen.”

Something gives within Renée, caving in without much convincing. The longing is suppressed when Yasmin stands and pulls her up to kiss her sweetly.

It takes her by surprise at first, though it doesn’t take her long to submit to her lips. She grabs for her waist and Yasmin holds her face; the kiss not taking long to deepen.

Renée allows Yasmin to explore her mouth, the taste of mint familiar and comforting. Kissing another woman is different than kissing a man, softer and somehow more sensual than kissing John. Her heart catches fire in her chest, adrenaline coursing from head to toe and it feels like she’s flying high over the city lights.

Chances are, John is a different kind of high right now. She pushes him out of her mind, letting Yasmin take over. Pleasure overrides the shame, her senses washed clean as she is walked backwards to the edge of the bed.

They part and Yasmin dives back in immediately, lips caressing along Renée’s exposed neck. A sigh catches at the back of her throat, every touch making her yearn for more. She can’t stand still, so she’s thankful that Yasmin lays her down on top of the bed.

There’s only question plaguing Renée’s mind now. _How far can we go?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thank you to Tash for just being generally amazing and helpful as i work to develop this fic. love you, my Power Station 🖤

With delicate hands and the okay from Renée, Yasmin removes her top, pulling the soft gray fabric over her head. She’s sat on the bed before her, hair slightly mussed. Looking up through the brown locks, she sees something in Yasmin’s eyes that she’s never seen in John’s eyes when he looks at her.

That looks makes her quiver with anticipation. A burning, fiery feeling spreads through her whole body. She knows she can’t resist this sensation. No matter the cost, Renée will follow it, chase it until it’s hers to keep.

_Why doesn’t John look at me like that?_

She watches Yasmin’s eyes drop to her breasts. A tiny glimmer of guilt surfaces; she pushes it as far down as it will go.

_John is away. John isn’t true to me._

“Kiss me, Yas. _Please._ ”

“Where do you want to be kissed?”

Their eyes meet again. Renée’s tongue feels heavy in her mouth. “Everywhere.”

Yasmin chuckles, lightening the mood between them. “Anything for you, babe.”

Renée’s bare back meets the duvet, Yasmin’s hand on her shoulder easing her down. Her mouth starts a trail from her stomach, working up along the curve of her body.

She stops briefly and takes her nipple into her mouth, causing Renée to gasp. Her tongue flicks over the nub, her teasing skillful and every bit delightful. Renée reaches out and grabs her shoulders for stability. The pleasure is already beyond anything she feels with—

_John._

She mentally curses his name, but forgets it altogether when Yasmin’s lips meet her neck. She kisses with passion, moving up to Renée’s jawline.

“You’re gorgeous, Ren,” Yasmin whispers in between kisses, now hovering over her on the bed.

Renée smiles. She’s heard those words hundreds, perhaps even _thousands_ of times, yet she likes the way Yasmin says them the best. Her voice is earnest, full of intent. It’s much more than just a compliment to her.

She looks at her, hair pulled back to fully reveal her face. Her warm eyes follow her own, their faces close, the moment intimate. “You are too,” is all Renée can muster.

Yasmin leans in for their lips to meet, settling down beside her and turning her body to access her mouth. Renée tilts her head and lets her in, their tongues brushing. Any tension in her body loosens and becomes part of the pleasant fire that only grows more with each touch, each kiss they share.

Renée feels a hand on her waist draw her closer as Yasmin takes her bottom lip in between her teeth, biting down lightly. When they finally part, Renée hooks a finger underneath one of the straps of her camisole and pulls it off her shoulder.

“You want this off?” Yasmin gives her that look again, the one that melts Renée down, makes something in her quiver.

She nods, growing meek as she gets more turned on.

Yasmin goes to pull the top off, her every movement graceful. All Renée can do is stare and let the feeling of lust simmer within. Her fluttering eyes follow her sharp collarbones, then the bend of her arms, the curve of her back...

She’s giggling now. “See something you like, Renée?”

She freezes up, so struck she can’t speak a word in response.

Yasmin seems to notice. She moves to settle between Renée’s legs. She runs a smooth hand along her arm, tangling their fingers together when she reaches the end. “Tell me what you want and it’s all yours.”

Renée takes a deep breath, looking up at her friend. Maybe friend is a bit of an outdated term now, given the current situation they’re in. She tries not to let her mind wander too far in that direction.

She squeezes her hand, keeping her eyes on her face, and swallows her pride. “I want you to touch me.”

“Keep going, babe.”

Renée purses her lips. She’s craving Yasmin so much she doesn’t know what to do with herself. “I want your fingers inside me,” she admits, voice low.

Yasmin lets go of her hand, moving it to rest on her hip. “Fuck, okay.”

She inhales sharply as she feels Yasmin tug her shorts down. She tosses them aside, somewhere with their other garments. Her hand caresses the inside of her thigh, making her tremble as her legs are spread further apart by Yasmin.

She leans down and presses gentle kisses to the smooth skin there, drawing sweet little moans out of Renée. To make sure she is comfortable, she takes her time, pacing each new step they take together appropriately.

It only turns Renée on more, drives her wild for _more_.

Yasmin starts pulling her underwear off, tantalizingly slow. She looks up at her with lidded eyes. She wants this, _needs_ it. It’s been much too long since she was taken care of this way.

_John doesn’t even take care of himself, let alone me._

“Lay back and relax,” Yasmin’s dulcet voice graces her ears, “I’ll take good care of you, I promise.”

Renée’s heart skips a beat. She wonders for a moment if Yasmin can read her mind. She does as she says, keeping her eyes on her the entire time.

She starts with one finger, pressing into her warm, slick heat. Her breath hitches as Yasmin works, her other hand on her hip, holding her down. She tries not to writhe all over the bed as she picks up the pace.

“Good?” Yasmin asks, holding her hip tighter.

“ _Yes,_ ” she moans, beginning to push herself down. “More.”

Yasmin adds another finger, thrusting them deeper inside her. Little pants escape her parted lips as she is pleasured; her eyes moving from the ceiling to Yasmin in a dreamy, blissed out haze.

Renée nearly cries out as she starts to scissor her fingers. The pressure in her abdomen is building fast, Yasmin’s touch bringing her closer and closer with each movement.

She pushes down harder, searching for more, desperation taking hold. Her hands find the duvet beneath her and she grabs onto it, balling up the fabric in her clenched fists.

Yasmin’s eyes stay on her, every reaction and expression on her face committed to memory. She slips in a third finger, moving in time with Renée. “Gonna come for me, Ren?”

She musters a nod, her mind going blank. When she opens her mouth, all that comes out is a strangled sound. “ _P-Please_ _._ ”

A few more pumps and Renée’s orgasm rips through her, some kind of magic sensation she isn’t accustomed to feeling. She feels like she’s floating, flying high above the city skyline, and John isn’t the reason for it.

Yasmin is.


	4. Chapter 4

It hits Renée like a ton of bricks when she realizes she doesn’t want John to come home. She’s sitting in the kitchen staring down a glass of water, lost in thoughts she shouldn’t be sinking so deeply into.

And yet, she keeps on sinking. She has taken the plunge, the dangerous, uncertain plunge.

The front door unlocks and opens. She doesn’t turn to look in his direction; something tells her she shouldn’t dare. His footfalls grow closer and she waits for him to speak, that accent she used to love to hear.

 _Used to?_ She’s not so sure she still thinks of it the same way now. She’s not so sure she thinks of _him_ the same way anymore.

She swallows nothing in particular. She wants to gasp for love, to cry out for him to leave, to tell him she wants Yasmin instead. That could never be. He can’t know. _Oh, to want what one isn’t supposed to have._

“Renée?”

She doesn’t reply as John comes to stand next to where she’s sat. A stony expression is his first warning. She contemplates what the second could be, how she could get him to go away for another night.

She wants him to go. He just came back.

A sigh leaves her parted lips.

John tilts his head, his hair seeming even longer now. “Babe, what’s the matter with you?”

“You smell like a bar, John.”

She’s not typically the one to start the fights. Tonight is different, much different.

She earns a scoff from her partner. “I had one drink. What, I’m not allowed to?”

Finally, Renée looks at him right between the eyes. “One drink, sure. What else? _One_ line of coke, _one_ groupie?” She takes a deep breath. “I know you, John. You never stop at one.”

John has nothing to say at first, he just gapes at her. He’s probably in shock at her sudden blunt words.

“So that’s the welcome home I get? I thought better of you, Renée. Guess I was wrong.”

She stands up, putting some distance between the two of them as she moves away. “You thought I wouldn’t point it out? That I’d just leave it go like I always do? I’m getting fed up, John. Every time you leave and come back it’s like you’re a different person. I feel as though I don’t know who John is anymore.”

To her chagrin, he closes the distance between them again, and he’s pointing a finger in her face. “You’ve started it this time,” he scolds, voice lowering. There’s the unmistakable smell of alcohol on his breath. “It’s your fucking fault.”

 _Perhaps it would be easier for me to be the one leaving,_ she thinks to herself.

Renée moves away and retreats to their bedroom, grabbing her purse. Luckily, she prepared herself for this to happen, for things to get ugly between them. She slips on a pair of boots and now John’s standing in the doorway, blocking her only way out.

She eyes him and he does the same in return. “Where do you think you’re going? We need to talk about this.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. It never gets us anywhere.”

“ _Where,_ ” John starts, closing in again, “do you think you’re going?” Renée watches his eyes grow darker, something frightening taking over.

She remembers the passport tucked inside her purse. She could go anywhere her heart desires.

She could get back by Yasmin’s side. Her eyes slip shut for a moment, imagining how good it would be to feel her touch upon her skin again. Her mind is made up; it didn’t take much to come to this conclusion.

“I need time.”

Renée pushes past him and heads for the door. Each step carries her further away from the alcohol tainted, cocaine fueled, sleep deprived, mixed up version of the man she thought she loved.

It’s all mixed up.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m back with semi-normally timed updates now, things are getting better in my personal life. enjoy!

She gets off the plane with a steady pounding in her chest. Summer is alive in Paris and so is Renée, the sky overcast and the air warm. She holds onto her carry on bag tightly and walks fast.

She breezes through airport security, on a mission to get where she’s going: away from John and closer to Yasmin.

The woman in question is a phone call away. She has the slip of paper with the name and number of her hotel; she holds onto it like a well kept secret in the pocket of her capris. Her flats greet the pavement outside the airport, a hurried tapping lost in the echo of the city street. 

In a rush, Renée searches for a cab, bare lashes flicking left and right along the street in plain desperation. She flags one down and slips inside, reading the French man the address.

She stares at the paper again before slipping it back into her pocket. Then she sits back and looks out the window, taking in the scenery as it moves by. It isn’t long before Yasmin’s smile takes over her mind, her beautiful face glowing in her heavenly memory. It’s impossible to forget that face.

A fluttering feeling nestles in her chest. She lets the sensation grow, remembering their night together in vivid detail.

_Lay back and relax._ Her words echo sweetly inside Renée’s mind. _I’ll take good care of you, I promise._

It doesn’t take much before she’s suppressing a sigh. The driver switches on the radio and classical music begins to play softly, causing her to drift along with her thoughts.

———

Renée reaches her hotel in a timely manner, a white door before her with the number 317 in gold. She pushes a lock of hair behind her ear before knocking on the door, hoping Yasmin isn’t busy or out for the day.

She waits, and is ready to knock once more when the door opens to reveal just who she’s been rushing to see.

“Ren?” Yasmin says, her face lighting up. “It’s so good to see you.” She pushes the door open wider and brings Renée into an embrace, which she can only return with one arm due to her bags.

“I have a few things to tell you.” Renée half smiles as they pull away.

Yasmin’s face falls slightly, as though she realizes it must not be very happy news, for Renée to flee to Paris so fast. “Okay, come inside.”

The lavish hotel suite is made cozy by the low lighting and the drawn curtains. Yasmin takes her bags from her, their fingers brushing in the process. With a familiar hand on her arm, Renée lets herself be lead to a gorgeous white loveseat. A glass coffee table is positioned in front of it and a vase of roses is resting there.

Judging by Yasmin’s casual clothing and lack of makeup, she’s done her modeling gig for the day. She sits next to Renée and turns her body to face her.

Renée is bold this time, reaching out for Yasmin’s hand and intertwining their fingers. The other woman squeezes her hand in return, the action comforting as Renée wracks her brain for the words she wants to say.

“I left John in New York.”

Yasmin’s eyes widen. “Really?”

Renée searches her face. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding. She didn’t mean it literally. “I didn’t break up with him. I uh, just left our apartment for now. I had to. He’s... using again. I can tell it’s bad. I don’t know what to do.”

Yasmin’s eyes are warm; Renée could dive into them and never look back. She would, if she knew she wouldn’t get hurt. There’s a little voice in her head pushing her in that direction, yet there’s another that tells her not to. Conflicting feelings boil and bubble over: remorse, sorrow, wanting, lust, and love too.

They mix, swirling within her, creating a concoction that she doesn’t know what to do with.

“Maybe it’s time to move on,” Yasmin voices, sounding hesitant to continue. “He’s going to bring you down with him, I think. I can see it already.”

“But, how? I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what I want.” Renée looks down at their hands. Yasmin’s thumb caresses her knuckles slowly, the affection twisting all that she thought she knew of herself.

Renée lets out a sigh. Yasmin doesn’t take her eyes off her, not even for a second.

“You’re here now. You came to see me, right?”

Renée nods.

Yasmin’s eyes move from her eyes to her lips, then travel back up again. “I’ll help you forget about him tonight. It seems like that’s what you need.”

Forgetting sounds delightful to her, after being lost in John’s whirlwind of alcohol and coke, worried tirelessly about her boyfriend. She can’t help him, not really. It hurts to know that she’s almost powerless. But right now, she must fend for herself.

He’s in New York. She’s in Paris.

Yasmin pulls her closed by their intertwined hands. “I’ll take you out, we’ll have the time of our lives. The city is gorgeous at night.”

Renée climbs into her lap, something breaking within her. John leaves her mind and takes his substances with him. “You’d do that for me?” she asks, cupping Yasmin’s face.

“Of course,” she replies effortlessly. She leans in for a kiss, capturing Renée’s lips with her own.

———

They both lose track of time after their late dinner together, walking outside with takeout coffees just before it rains. Renée feels warm inside and it’s not just because of the caffeinated beverage in her hand.

She looks to the woman walking next to her, buttery light from shop windows on her gorgeous face. She’s everything in this moment. She’s everything Renée wants and yet...

She won’t allow herself to think of any of that right now. Why ruin such a perfect night?

Renée pushes her less than happy thoughts aside and rejoices, an extra spring in her step. She feels alive, so happy to be here with Yasmin tonight. She’s glad she fled New York when she did.

When the visible stars get covered by night time clouds, and the forecasted rain makes its graceful entrance, Yasmin looks up. “And there’s the rain,” she says. “Let’s go find somewhere to get inside.”

They slip into a quiet little secondhand store, racks and racks of clothing half off. Media of all sorts is stacked by the shop windows: dusty Beatles records and bobble heads to match catching her eye. There’s a tie dye sheet hung behind the register and a woman with graying hair is reading a psychology novel. It’s most American place she’s seen tonight.

Yasmin sips her coffee as she touches clothes on one of the racks. She is drawn to a plaid miniskirt, lifting it from the rack and inspecting it with thought.

“Cute, isn’t it?” she asks, holding it to her hip.

Blushing slightly, Renée manages a nod. Yasmin has such an effect on her. “I love it,” she speaks quietly. “It’s very you.”

She holds onto it and continues her browsing. She comes across an elegant black lingerie set. It has a plunging neckline and the delicate lace is soft to the touch. Renée watches her intently, and it’s almost as though she can read her mind.

It’s quite impossible to not know what’s she’s thinking, especially after what they’ve done together.

“That’s pretty,” Renée remarks after a moment.

Yasmin blinks slow, then turns to look at Renée. “It’s your size. It would suit you, don’t you think Ren?”

She can feel herself turning red. The rain has picked up, a steady pattering in the background of their night together. The shop door is propped open and the water comes down in cascades over the awning outside. Renée suddenly feels too warm, a flash of heat making her a bit woozy.

And it’s all because of Yasmin.

“I don’t know, it’s very... revealing. You really think I’d suit it?”

“Yes, I really do.” Yasmin’s kind eyes glide over her features intimately. “You are _beautiful_ , Renée. It’s about time you start believing it.”

Renée is shocked into silence.

“I’m getting it for you. You can put it on when we get back to our hotel.” Yasmin winks and it’s even more obvious what’s on her mind now.

It’s on Renée’s mind too.

She still feels impossibly warm, a heat under her skin that hasn’t gone away most of the night. The rain slows, but the weather is the least of her concerns.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s raining hard again as Renée puts on the lingerie. Yasmin watches from the bed, long legs crossed, taking in the sight of the model before her. A few glowing candles flicker in the night, sat upon the nightstand to set the mood.

Renée feels no shame, not even when Yasmin gets up to touch her. Her hands tease along the fabric, intricate lace adorning her lovely curves. She pushes her hair aside and presses her lips to her neck, hands settling on her hips and pulling her flush against herself: Renée’s back to her front.

Her mouth works along her skin, the kisses indulgent and sweet. Renée exhales, breathy as Yasmin’s hands travel down. She lets her move her to the bed, flipping around to face her.

Her back greets the bed and Yasmin climbs over her, hooking a finger under her chin and lifting it up to connect their lips. Renée opens her mouth and tilts her head, allowing Yasmin’s tongue to caress her own. Little pants begin to escape, the sound of their need for one another too hard to hold back.

Renée lets her take control, giving it up out of full and complete trust.

It’s all happening so fast and suddenly they’re switching, Yasmin stretching out on her back. She pulls Renée into her lap, gripping her thighs and sliding her up so she’s straddling her hips.

Her fingers tease the space between her thighs, rubbing over the black fabric. She moans softly and starts to grind down on her hand, searching, _desperate_ for more.

She feels beautiful. She feels wanted.

Yasmin knows just how she wants to be touched, what will make her feel good. She grips onto her hips as she is pleasured, her senses clouded by the overwhelming sensation.

Renée looks at Yasmin, her heart swelling as their eyes meet. A little word drifts through her brain, one little word that could cause a lot of trouble.

 _It’s always that word, the beginning and end of everything,_ she reasons to herself.

Before she can ponder that little word any further, she’s being pushed down into the bed again, a lean form hovering over her. Yasmin gently spreads Renée’s legs apart after she tugs her underwear down, soaked from arousal. She whimpers as she’s touched, so sensitive.

To her surprise, she feels Yasmin’s mouth somewhere it hasn’t been before. She cries out, a hand flying to her hair. She doesn’t mean to, but she tugs on it as she works, earning a groan from Yasmin that she feels against her clit. Her skin feels like fire; flames licking every inch of her body.

The lingerie is sticking to her skin, sweat beginning to soak through the fabric. She can tell she’s close. Her mind blanks out, hands clutching wherever they can.

“ _Yasmin!_ ”

Blissed out, Renée can’t hold back any longer.


	7. Chapter 7

The tendrils of early morning sunlight streaming through cracks in the closed curtains ease Renée awake gently. Her eyelids flutter open and she takes in the moment, bit by bit. Fragment by fragment.

She’s a touch too warm, the sheets half covering her. She’s still wearing the lingerie and blushes when she remembers what occurred just last night. The air smells faintly of Yasmin’s perfume, a light floral musk that has grown so familiar to her. Renée’s eyes move away from the ceiling and she sighs softly, rolling over onto her side.

She almost collides directly with Yasmin’s bare back. Blushing about it, she tries to collect herself, though that proves to be senseless. Yasmin flips around, just waking herself. Her eyes are bleary yet she still smiles when they meet Renée’s.

“Good morning,” she greets softly, her voice brushing something deep inside Renée.

She looks at her, her breath gone.

“Good morning.” Renée looks at her lips, suddenly feeling an overwhelming desire to kiss her senseless. “How was your sleep?”

Renée lets out a little gasp when Yasmin reaches out and pulls her closer, her hands cold. As they settle together, they begin to warm on Renée’s skin.

“Wonderful. I think it has a lot to do with you.”

“You think so?”

“I do. How about yourself? You’re glowing, so it had to be the best sleep of your life.”

 _Glowing?_ Renée feels her face heat up more. Perhaps she is. “It was. Much better than I could have slept in New York.”

Yasmin’s face falls at the mention of New York. “When are you going back? I forgot to ask you last night.”

“Not for another week. I haven’t told John yet, he’s probably fuming.”

Yasmin starts to caress her back gently. “Do you care?”

Renée raises a brow. “About what?”

“John being mad at you. Are you worried about it? About him?”

The fact that Renée has to think about it opens up an inner monologue she would rather not have to deal with right now. Her brain swirls with questions, worries that can only be soothed by Yasmin’s words and her touch. She tries to stay in the moment, knowing that she’s safe here and now.

“He’s not good to me. He hasn’t been for a while. I still worry, of course I do. I don’t want to have to anymore. Not this way.” Renée watches Yasmin’s face, the expression she wears when she’s listening with intent. “The drugs are getting so bad, Yasmin. I don’t know what to do.”

“Leave him, because you know what’s going to happen? He’s going to bring you down with him. I don’t want to see that happen to you, Ren. You don’t deserve it.”

Renée feels tears creeping up on her. This isn’t an easy topic to talk about, no matter the person. “But what about the press? I don’t want to hurt the band. They’re already going through so much as it is, with Roger and Andy leaving.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Yasmin pulls Renée into her chest. “You have to look out for yourself.”

They’re so close that it doesn’t even phase her that she’s topless, she just rests her head there and listens to her speak. “They don’t matter, what they think doesn’t matter. What matters is your happiness. You know what will make you happy, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Renée blinks, trying to fight the tears, though they come anyway. “I know.”

“Tell me then. Tell me what will make you happy.”

A pause. Renée knows if she says it, there’s no taking it back.

 _Fuck it,_ she thinks. She looks up at Yasmin, watery eyes and all.

“You.”

Yasmin says nothing, but the look on her face makes up for her lack of words.

Renée goes out on a limb, rising up in her arms and pressing her lips to hers. Yasmin takes to the kiss immediately, retaining control and pushing back with passion. Renée moans against her mouth, needing her more than she can comprehend.

When they part with a soft sigh, Renée looks at her with doe eyes.

“I will give you as much as I can,” Yasmin tells her. “I want to make you happy.”

“ _Please_.”

In the morning sunlight, Renée’s eyes shine, but she knows for now, she’ll be okay. She’s safe with Yasmin.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since the beginning of this lil fic, i’ve been intertwining a lot of my own feelings into it. i’m loving what this is becoming and i’m excited to keep going! only a couple more chapters now...

“A strap-on?” Renée giggles. “So _that’s_ why you disappeared and wouldn’t tell me where you were going an hour ago.”

Yasmin’s eyes catch the evening light, a sly look on her smooth face. “Well that would ruin the surprise, now wouldn’t it?”

“Quite the surprise,” Renée retorts, eyeing the toy in Yasmin’s hand.

If only John knew what they were getting up to in Paris. Simon, too.

Renée pushes that thought to the back door of her mind and focuses solely on the woman before her. The cupid’s bow of her lips, the unmistakeable light in her eyes, her beautiful hair. She’s everything and all she has to do is reach out.

She’s right here, for the taking. For the keeping? Maybe not. But Renée has learned to forget. Forget, remember, forget, repeat. She crawls around in a daze, it seems. She’s foggy minded and so dizzy in love.

 _Love._ Renée ponders it, the meaning of it. _Love, love, love._ It’s not John she loves. Not anymore.

It’s Yasmin.

So she takes initiative this time, grabbing Yasmin’s arm and leading her to the bed. _Their_ bed, for now. She has learned that it’s good enough; temporary is better than never at all. She’ll take what she can get.

Clothes come off, muscle memory begins to set in. Familiarity rules all. Before long, they are a tangle of limbs and fingers, leaving ghostly touches upon warm skin. Soft sighs fill the air, and even a whimper when the toy enters Renée.

It’s a feeling she had forgotten, so it takes her a moment to adjust. Yasmin waits patiently, holding her hips. When she starts to move, their eyes meet. Then she smiles, reaching forward and clutching onto Yasmin wherever she can. Her hands on her shoulders glide to her back as she goes deeper.

It’s different than being with a man, of course. It’s a kind of different she wouldn’t mind having all the time, constantly and forever.

No matter how hard Renée tries, all she envisions is staying with Yasmin. And she can’t fully admit it to herself, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. It’s easier to live in delusion.

Yasmin is her favorite delusion.

She gasps as she angles a thrust just in the right spot, sending a shock up her spine. Her lips part and she smiles again, the way Yasmin is looking at her having everything to do with it.

She never felt this way with anyone else before. This feeling all new and she doesn’t now how to nurture it, how to handle it so it doesn’t break her heart. But she thinks that even if it does, it’ll be worth the pain.

So before she can reach her climax, a few words that have been playing on the tip of her tongue make their way out.

Renée’s eyes watch Yasmin’s expression tentatively. “ _I love you,_ ” she confesses; it comes out as a dreamy sigh.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one breaks my heart, i’m sorry in advance!

“You love me?” Yasmin takes a drag of her cigarette, the smoke rising and becoming one with the night. She exhales slowly. “Really love me?”

Leaning over the railing of the balcony, looking out to the city, Renée feels her heart skip a beat. It’s been a good night, a really good night. Neither want it to end. They have plenty more to enjoy, though time flies when they’re together.

It’ll be over before Renée knows it.

“I do,” she replies simply. “But it complicates a lot of things.”

Yasmin turns to her, a slightly morose look on her face. “I know it does. I love you though, and that’s something I can’t deny anymore.”

Renée watches the cigarette tucked between her fingers; it’s easier to look at that instead of her in this moment. It burns and burns until she lifts it to her lips again, her eyes following on instinct.

Love, such a complicated entanglement of emotions. It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply about someone, the way Renée feels about Yasmin. It’s wild ups and down, high and lows, elation and pain.

“Doesn’t it scare you?”

Yasmin puts her cigarette down, giving Renée her full attention. “Does what scare me?”

“Loving me and being married to Simon at the same time.”

The mention of his name opens up the door to a conversation she’d rather not be having right now, but it needs to be had eventually. “Yes, of course it does.”

Renée waits for her to continue.

“I love two people at the same time. It’s confusing and it’s messy and I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m going to do. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, Renée. And I feel like that’s what I’m going to do in the end.”

Her words hang heavy in the cool night air. Renée doesn’t know what to say.

Yasmin stubs out her cigarette in the ashtray on the table behind Renée, then returns to her side. She’s closer this time, their arms touching. They look over the city together, lights shining in their eyes that aren’t just from a mere reflection. They have their own inner glow.

“I’m breaking it off with John once I get back to New York. If he’s even still there, that is. A part of me is hoping he isn’t,” Renée’s voice comes out a waver, the topic upsetting. “Considering how our last conversation went, this one isn’t going to be much better.”

Yasmin rests a hand on top of hers, catching Renée by surprise. “Can I ask you something?”

“You always can.”

“Am I part of the reason you’re leaving John?”

Renée holds her breath, then exhales long, a silent sigh. “You are. But I can’t deal with him anymore, he’s... he’s not who I thought he was.”

“It’s the drugs, isn’t it?”

Renée nods. “The drugs, the drink, the excessive partying. I don’t know who he is outside of that. And it hurts, Yasmin. It hurts.”

Yasmin squeezes her hand, an act of reassurance. She listens, always the best listener when it comes to these things.

“I’m so scared,” she admits. She knows Yasmin can see the fear in her eyes, she can sense it in the tenseness of the muscles in her hand.

They know each other well; they are closer than close can be.

“Don’t go back to New York.”

Renée almost has to laugh. “Are you kidding? I have to, I have no choice. Too many loose ends. My career is on the line. _Everything_ is.”

Yasmin looks away. She doesn’t let go of her hand. “Okay. Don’t listen to me, I’m just... feeling too much.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have another question, Ren.”

“Ask it.”

“How far are you willing to go with me?”

Those words send a shock right through Renée’s core. She is sure Yasmin can feel it too, like lightning traveling through an electric wire. “Depends on how far you’re willing to go with me.”

“This,” Yasmin starts, growing frustrated, “is so messy and confusing.”

“Aren’t most things of this nature?”

“Guess so.” Yasmin turns Renée’s hand over and laces their fingers together, palm to palm. “What if I ended things with Simon?”

Renée is quick to shake her head. “You love him. You would give him up for me?”

Yasmin looks frazzled. “I might... I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what you want?”

“Not entirely, no. Do you?”

Renée gazes deep into her eyes. “I do.”

Yasmin half smiles, her nervousness evident. “And that is?” she finally asks.

“You.”

She has to look away, Renée’s look too much for her right now. “Fuck.”

Something sad eats away at Renée’s conscience, nibbling away and making this all so much harder to bear. “I wish this was easier, you know? I wish we were different people in a different place, a different time.”

“We wouldn’t be us then, we wouldn’t have the same thing. The same... _spark_.”

 _Spark. It’s more than a spark now,_ Renée thinks to herself. _It’s a wildfire._ “You’re right,” she says. “Despite everything, I like who we are.”

“You’re my best friend, still. You know that, right?” Yasmin asks, earnest.

“You’re mine, too. I can’t imagine a life without you.”

Yasmin squeezes her hand, getting closer and leaning in for a kiss. She plants her lips on Renée’s cheek, causing her to scrunch up her face. It still makes her chest ache in the best way.

“No matter what, friends first. I can’t let you go that easy, babe.” Yasmin stays close, talking against her cheek.

“Of course, always,” Renée replies. She’s getting tired, and it looks as though the sun is about to come up.

Like she can read her mind, Yasmin picks up on it right away. “Do you want to sleep? We can talk more later, when we’re rested.”

“Yeah, let’s get to bed,” Renée agrees. “It’s cold out here anyway.”

“You never have to be cold with me. I’ll warm you right up in no time.”

Renée forces a giggle. “Oh, shut your mouth and take me to bed.”

———

The week passes in fragments of time, pieces of moments that Renée holds in her palm like broken glass come Sunday evening. Too sharp, too fast: she wishes she could freeze the seconds and stay within them forever.

She wishes she could watch Yasmin put her makeup on in her robe forever, wishes she could mess up her lipstick forever. She wishes they could go out every night together, joking and laughing together while wine drunk forever. She wishes they could sleep in the same bed every night, waking up next to one another every morning forever.

She wishes she could love her forever this way, but sometimes forever is a very short time.

So when Renée has to pack her things up and get ready to catch her flight back to the states, she is misty. A tear streams down her cheek and lands on the black lingerie, sitting folded at the top of her suitcase. Who knows when she’ll wear it again. Zipping it up takes all her will, pulling at her heartstrings and playing her like a song.

She stares down and allows her emotions to take hold of her, on her knees, on the floor. It isn’t until she feels a hand on her shoulder that she snaps out of it.

“Oh, Ren,” Yasmin coos. “Come here.”

Renée lets herself be pulled into Yasmin’s arms, a place she is always content to be in. But now, this feels different. This feels like goodbye because in a way, it is.

Yasmin rubs her back as she cries, Renée clinging to her desperately. Her touch is like a silent plead, though Yasmin can hear the words she means loud and clear: _please, never let me go_.

“I... d-don’t wanna go,” Renée sobs against her neck. “This _hurts_.”

“I know, I know,” Yasmin whispers, softening her voice, trying to console her best friend as much she can. “I’ll always be here. You’re not gonna lose me.”

Renée wants to scream that yes, she will eventually. In some way or another, she will.

Instead, she says something else that’s been causing havoc under her skin. “I’ve decided,” she sighs, “I’m not breaking up with John.”

Yasmin draws away to look at her face. “You’re not? Why?”

“No because then I’m even further from you. I’m not... part of the Duran world anymore. I’m an _outsider_. I’m just a model, an ex.”

Yasmin purses her lips. “Are you sure? Ren, he’s hurting you. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“I’m hurting myself. We’ll fix things, it’ll be okay.”

“I... okay. I know I can’t stop you.” Yasmin pulls her in again by her shoulders, holding her close. “I just hope you’ll be okay. I want you safe, Renée.”

“I’ll be okay.”

“I hope you know I’ll call you all the time, and you can call me. I’ll always, _always_ be here. No doubt.” Yasmin’s eyes are glassy, shining with unconcealed feeling.

Renée takes in the feeling of being held by her for a moment, soaking it all up so she can remember later. Tenderness leaves an ache in her chest, and she finds her lips curling around the words: “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Yasmin replies, shifting to cup her cheeks.

With that, they share a deep kiss, emotions all astray. It’s not goodbye, but it feels a lot like it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the last chapter! thanks again to Tash for making this possible, you’re my ride or die 🖤

_1987_

It’s a rainy day in New York, water coming down in cascades over the city. It washes the pavement of dirt and grime, clearing out the old energy, making way for the new. Thunder rumbles in the distance.

Renée finds herself alone again in the apartment. John is... somewhere. She can’t recall exactly where.

The phone starts to ring, jolting Renée out of her thoughts. She puts her magazine and steaming cup of tea down on the coffee table and gets up off her chair. She makes her way to the kitchen, picking up the phone by the fourth ring.

“Hello?”

_“Hey, Ren. It’s Yasmin.”_

Renée can’t help but smile. “Hi, it’s good to hear your voice.”

_“I know, I meant to call before my flight but I didn’t get the chance. I just got home. How are you doing?”_

“It’s okay, I know you’re busy. I’m alright, having a quiet day by myself. I wish you were here. But uh, how about you? Any plans?”

_“I’m... great actually. Best I’ve been in a while.”_

Renée senses something off in her voice. She doesn’t sound like herself. “You don’t sound it, is everything okay?” 

She pauses, long enough to make Renée’s head spin.

_“Listen, I have some news.”_

“Good news or bad news?”

_“Well, um, both. Kind of.”_

Renée leans against the wall, bracing herself for whatever it is. “Say it, Yas. Just say it.”

_“Are you sure?”_

“Yes, you’re worrying me sick.”

_“Okay... I’m pregnant.”_

Renée’s hand clutches the phone tighter, wondering briefly if she heard her right. “You’re pregnant?”

_“Yeah, a few weeks.”_

It takes a moment for her to realize what the bad news is. She stares at the floor, trying to will herself to speak. She doesn’t know what to say. It’s not easy to feel happy when she’s losing something she’s been trying so hard to hold onto.

_“Ren? Are you still there?”_

“Yes, and I’m happy for you. You’ll make a perfect mother, I just know it. Simon will make a good father as well.”

_“Thank you, I—”_

“Just say it. Tell me it’s over so I can start grieving you.”

_“I’m sorry, I really am. You deserve so much better than me anyway, better than John too. And you know it. You’re lovely, Renée. I will always think of you the way I do now.”_

“Stop, you know that’s not true. You’re everything to me and I know I deserve you, I just can’t have you. Because that’s how life is sometimes. Maybe I should have realized that sooner, before I let myself fall in love with you. I’m hurting and I never stop, Yasmin. No matter how much time passes, I’ll still feel something for you. That’s never fully going away.”

_“Again, I’m sorry. I let it go too far. I gave you false hope. I didn’t mean to... I wanted you too. I still do, but we can’t be together. I’m still here for you, your best friend. Friends first, remember? I want to be part of your life; I can’t imagine mine without you in it. I need you, Ren.”_

“Fuck, this hurts.”

_“Are you crying? Ren, please—”_

“Of course I’m crying, it’s all I do anymore.”

_“Hey, I love you. I always will, I can’t just unlove you. Not that easy, or possible... for that matter.”_

“I love you too. I fucking need you, you’re my best friend...”

_“I told you, I’m here. Not going anywhere.”_

Renée wipes her eyes, trying to compose herself again. She doesn’t know how but now she’s on the floor, the phone cord stretched down with her. “It’s going to take a while for me to heal.”

_“Take all the time you need.”_

“I’ll be okay.” Renée smiles sadly to herself. “I’ll be okay,” she repeats.


End file.
